How to get your spouse to love you again Like the seasons, love in a relationship grows and wanes.
One of the most common myths in marriages is the belief that
when the love wanes the relationship is over.
It's not.
If your spouse says 'I have fallen out of love with you,'
don't panic. It doesn't mean your marriage is over. It doesn't even mean they
don't love you. What it does mean is that your spouse has lost their way, or
doesn't understand the many stages love and a relationship goes through.
You are being called to take charge of the situation, guide
your spouse towards understanding this process, and even begin to rekindle your
relationship.
The key to success is in understanding what is happening in
your marriage and the role that love plays. It's very easy for us to connect
losing the feelings of being in love with actual loving when it is not really
the case.
After the initial thrill of romance is gone, couples often
find themselves lost and confused. What they don't realize is that love is not
just this heady lustful feeling that carries us away. That feeling has a shelf
life. When the prospect of spending years together sets in, the correct
question to ask one's self would be 'How now do I love without the initial
thrill?'
We have to discover that every relationship has stages:
- falling in love,
- the honeymoon stage
- chaos or disillusionment,
- then mature love or resolution.
We are very quick to judge that we no longer love someone
just because the feelings fade. With proper understanding, we can expect that
even if the feeling may not be there, it doesn't mean we don't love.
In truth, love is a commitment. It is not just a feeling, it
is a doing thing. A mature person loves by choice and not simply by
circumstance.
The next step would be to manage your partner's feelings or
lack thereof by starting with dialogue. Talk about the feelings and find out
what happened, where is it coming from? There are numerous tools and methods
available for a couple ' together or with a counselor/mediator ' that would
help them examine their present situation. Talk to your spouse and tell him or
her that the relationship deserves at the very least, dialogue.
In dialogue, let your spouse talk and you listen. There may
be important things you need to learn about your spouse and your marriage. On
the other hand, you can also share your own feelings about what is happening.
Try not to place blame on your spouse, however, but share your thoughts and
feelings by using 'I feel' statements.
In the meantime, do some self-improvement. It is never too
late to evolve into a happier, more mature and more lovable person - even if
it's just something you do for yourself. For all you know, this new you will be
more attractive to your spouse and come as a surprise to him or her.
Finally, don't stop reinforcing your presence in the
marriage. Do some positive loving acts for your spouse without expecting
anything in return. These mirror your mature, positive view of what love really
is. Make these acts little things. They don't have to be grand gestures.
It's the everyday things that actually build trust, intimacy
and love between couples.
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