3 Keys To Transform Your Marriage
Recognizing
you have a marriage problem is the first step along the road to transforming
your marriage, and for most couples simply acknowledging there is a problem
shatters the marriage myth. According to love stories, movies, and fairytales
we are supposed to live 'happily ever after'. But what happens when Snow White
develops a drinking problem? What happens when Robin Hood's long working hours
start affecting his marriage to Maid Marian? What happens when Cinderella says
she has 'fallen out of love'?
We are
taught in school how to do sums, how to read and recognize Shakespeare, and how
to conduct scientific experiments, but what do we really know about the greatest
social experiment of all, namely our ability to keep the love alive in our
marriage?
The fact
is we know surprisingly little, and from the moment we say "I do," we
are literally flying by the seat of our pants. We don't get a manual or a
textbook telling us how to get it right, so our marriage becomes an evolving
set of experiments, learning and discovering more and more about ourselves and
each other, and figuring out what works and what doesn't. Some say if we don't
make mistakes we don't really learn, but what do those mistakes cost us, and is
the cost too high for some couples?
That's
why I have 3 ways to instantly transform your marriage. These are 3 things that
you know will work and will help you get your marriage back on track. Let's
call this your error-free way to redeem yourself and your marriage in the eyes
of your partner and show them that you are committed to making positive changes
in your marriage.
The
first key to transforming your marriage is to stop looking at your issues on a
case-by-case basis. Couples that try to solve arguments by going into the small
details of every argument are never really going to deal with the big stuff.
I'm talking about the issues that REALLY matter in your marriage, and the
issues that keep coming up in every disagreement.
Spend
too much time at work? Partner feeling unappreciated? Don't make love as much
as you used to? Either of you feeling unfulfilled by your lifestyle or the
relationship? Is the communication poor in your relationship? Does your need to
always be right override the feelings of your partner? Spend less time worrying
about the details and more time examining the issues and themes behind your
arguments.
* The
issue is your job. The theme behind this may be balance between work and home
life.
* The issue is you not doing enough chores. The theme behind may be that you are being invited into making a greater contribution into coupledom.
* The issue is your partner being grumpy with you all the time. The theme is your partner needing to feel validated in the relationship
* The issue is you not doing enough chores. The theme behind may be that you are being invited into making a greater contribution into coupledom.
* The issue is your partner being grumpy with you all the time. The theme is your partner needing to feel validated in the relationship
If you
have a greater understanding of what the key themes are behind your marriage
issues you are better able to develop effective solutions that will really make
a difference.
The
second key to transforming your relationship is to examine your beliefs about
marriage. It's okay to not have the fairytale marriage. Even the best couples
don't always get it right. But what makes the imperfections good or bad is how
you choose as a couple to deal with it. When you disagree about something, do
you sit down and talk about it, or is your first instinct to deny that there is
a problem and hope that it will all go away?
You need
to understand that it is okay to be imperfect. In fact, admitting this to
yourself and your partner can be one of the most liberating actions you take in
transforming your marriage. Admitting your imperfections exposes a
vulnerability that can bring you closer together as you find ways to get some
meaning out of your issues. Acknowledging that you do make mistakes can open
the door to acknowledging that there is a better way to do things, and one of
the lessons we are called into as a couple is finding that solution together.
Make a list of things that you have learnt since you got married, and a list of
areas that you as a couple can both improve on. Then try sharing that list with
your partner and ask them to contribute their thoughts.
The
third key to transforming your relationship is in recognizing the differences
between men and women, and acknowledging the importance of both roles in the
relationship. Just because your partner views something different to you
doesn't make them wrong, and the same goes for you. There are often several interpretations
of the truth, and the key to marriage success is in recognizing that women and
men have key fundamental differences in the way they view things. For men,
their view may be a much more task-oriented approach to fixing an issue, where
a woman may focus more on the emotional process as you both navigate your way
through marriage issues. While both approaches are different, with compromise
they can both achieve the same result.
Write
down 5 themes or issues. Then I want you to write down 5 task-oriented ways of
trying to solve the situation. Then list 5 thoughts-based ways of communicating
your way to a solution.
The
first step to transforming your marriage is in transforming YOU. Being married
can be scary enough, but having marriage problems and not knowing how to fix
them can be paralyzing! All it takes is the ability to step outside your
day-to-day issues and look at different ways of viewing your marriage. Every
marriage problem invites you into growing and offers you and your partner the
opportunity to learn.
Now it's
up to you to take what you have learned and apply it to YOUR marriage. You too
can have a fairytale marriage!
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