Commitment - More Than Just Lip Service
Revive your relationship with Relationship Recovery:
reasons, some being to form alliances between two families
or to
ensure successors. Young couples entered relationships
because they
were headed for marriage and to do otherwise was
"living in sin".
Moreover, many cultures have promoted marriage as the only
venue
for having children recognized by society, culture, civil
and
religious laws. Simply, people got married (or committed to
one
another in different types of cultural arrangements) to have
children and to provide these offspring with a stable home
environment.
These days, that perspective has radically changed. People
are
having fewer children. More and more couples are living
together
without marriage. Statistically, a study shows that 70% of
Americans believe that marriage has purposes other than that
of
creating and nurturing children.
What's more, even the presence of children does not
guarantee that
a couple will stay together, unlike 40-50 years ago when our
parents and grandparents believed that children were enough
reason
to stay in a marriage.
In the past, many entered in to relationships or marriage to
ensure
financial security. In our grandparents' time, the woman was
usually dependent on the man, hence, she had more reason to
stay
with her husband.
In later years, couples touted the benefit of having two
incomes
where one income can be a fallback when one partner loses a
job or
becomes ill.
Today, young men and women want to strive for financial
success
independently before considering marriage. This means that
financial
reasons are no longer reason enough to stay in a marriage or
enter a
long term relationship.
Today, the stigma over divorce and being single has been
reduced
significantly. Concepts such as cohabitation, dating and
extended
"singleness" have provided people with
alternatives to their states
in life.
As a result, we marry later or not marry at all.
The idea that a first marriage is usually a trial marriage
that
will end in divorce is also quite prevalent among young
people,
further diminishing the value of marriage into something
that is
temporary rather than for life.
Why then would couples want to commit to one another
long-term or
marry, and stay together, if not children, religion, social
norms
or financial security?
In 2001, the National Marriage Project conducted a study
that
included questions on why people want to marry or enter into
long
term commitment. Their study reveals that young men and
women want
to be with someone who they have a profound spiritual and
emotional
connection to, meaning a "soul mate".
This means that the main focus is the relationship itself.
Finances, religion and social expectations minimally, if at
all,
enter into the equation.
The problem with this idea is that it can place too much
expectation on each partner and on the relationship itself.
Individuals who enter into relationships with this belief
may
expect that everything will be perfect all the time. As a
result,
they will be unable to cope with real issues and problems
such as
routine, complacency, conflict, unhappiness or financial
difficulty.
True enough, many couples today are divorcing or permanently
separating claiming feelings of dissatisfaction,
disillusionment,
distress and unhappiness as primary reasons for shifting
out.
People expect that their partner and their relationship will
always
make them happy and are shocked when things don't go
according to
plan.
What couples need to understand is that relationships are
not
always happy. Like anything in our world, change is a
constant.
People change and the dynamic of relationships change along
with
them. If only more individuals confront this reality early
on, they
may be spared from future heartache and disillusionment.
Couples need to understand that nothing is perfect and they
will
need to weather bad times along with the good. Marriage and
long-term relationships are lifelong processes of
stagnation,
renewal, birth, death, life and loss.
Each couple must be aware that these things happen and they
need to
see and appreciate the relationship for what it is, and not
what
it's not.
Accepting the good as well as the bad shows the couple that
things
get better and all they need to do is to get through the
difficult
periods. Staying together through good times and bad
requires
patience, communication, willingness and yes, love!
How can a couple then work out their commitment to one
another amid
the many concrete challenges of everyday life?
With so many obligations such as work, children, friends,
family,
hobbies, projects, home and the like, it is no wonder that
many
couples complain that they don't have enough time for each
other.
How can a couple balance their commitment to the other
aspects of
their individual lives with their relationship?
Communicating with your partner is key. You can try a
drawing
exercise to map out the various aspects that require your
commitment. A pie chart would do nicely. Next, share with your
partner and plan out how your personal commitments fit into
the big
picture of your relationship. Plan out your priorities and
agree to
the order of your commitments.
For a relationship to be successful, a couple needs to
understand
that commitment is more than a feeling, it's a decision.
Each day,
you and your partner decide what needs to come first. In
many
cases, it's the relationship. In other serious matters like
illness
or death in your immediate families, a couples commitment is
tested
by how well they can support one another and face a
particular
difficulty together.
What's important is that each one maintains a higher level
of
awareness and constantly asks himself or herself whether a
particular pursuit will be beneficial for the relationship
and how
can the couple, together, manage big and small obligations
in their
individual lives as well as in their marriage or
relationship.
It's a must-have for couples and individuals who are serious
about
saving their relationship.
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