Removing Divorce From The Menu
No one is saying that your marriage isn't difficult. It
might even be miserable. But an interesting set of statistics shows that people
who take divorce off the table as an option not only resolve their issues, but
end up being happier than ever.
If your marriage is feeling troubled, and you're considering
divorce, consider trying alternate therapies instead, marriage counseling, or
just some open communication. But whatever you do, don't bring up the
"D" word as an option, because doing that will change the rules of
the game.
Now, of course it's important to acknowledge that there are
a lot of influences on you to get a divorce. Your friends who don't like your
spouse, legal advertisements, even popular culture. It's a common statistic
that most marriages end in divorce, and so it seems like an acceptable, even
normal way to resolve problems in a marriage.
But let's look at some statistics. Of all the couples
surveyed who were contemplating divorce and then decided not to go through with
it, 80% claimed to be happily married only five years later. In all likelihood
this is due to two elements.
The first is that those couples who decide not to consider
divorce, the only remaining option is to deal with the problems experienced in
the marriage head-on. This is a powerful and proactive tactic that will lead to
acknowledgement of the problems the couples face, and maybe even to solutions.
The other element is that once divorce is considered, the
dynamic of the relationship is changed. This is a more subtle, though far more
destructive product of considering divorce. The dynamic of this is simple. When
a fundamental disagreement develops in a marriage - as it will in almost all
relationships - those who never consider divorce are forced to deal with the
disagreement.
Those who do consider divorce preserve an "out"
that can be used without ever addressing the issue. As the problems in the
marriage mount, or the fundamental issues become more divisive, the easy out of
divorce can become more and more appealing.
This thinking will take both of you, however. When both
people in a marriage are actively searching for a solution to a problem, and
both accept that divorce is not - and will not be - an option, a solution will
almost surely be found. You and your spouse will be asking what you can do to
make things better, rather than asking if it's worth it, or if you should cut
your losses and run.
Remove divorce as an option and endeavor to go into
relationship counseling, therapy of some kind, or just talk about your problems
in a mature and open way. To many it may seem the more difficult option, but
considering the long-term impacts of divorce on your life, finances, and
family, committing to finding ways through the pain and communicating your way
towards a solution seems immediately more attractive!
It seems simplistic, but statistically it also seems to
work. Those who deny divorce as a viable end to a committed marriage will also
be more motivated to work on that marriage, and work through the problems that
could, without communication and understanding, put an end to something that
was supposed to be a lifetime commitment and bond.
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