Communication Breakdown
It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle
thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often,
especially when love and feelings are involved. Even those who think that they
are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a
communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.
Even those of us who are better equipped than many others
are not immune. This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite
honest, it took me by surprise. My spouse told me something that really hurt my
feelings, and I automatically lashed back in defense.
It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a
misplaced bottle of perfume. But to me, it represented something much deeper
that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having
to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be, worse still
when my partner has shifted it and I don't know the first place to begin
searching.
Perfume, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware
container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were
examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple
answer from my spouse when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot
of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes
and organize yourself better"
I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog
and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home.
The house is always spotless and warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to
a tidy environment.
I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home
first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to
"organize yourself better" really hurt.
I don't expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were
recognized. I got told that "I don't expect you to cook my dinner every
night." That was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.
So where to from here? My spouse felt guilty at coming home
every night to the perfect household, where I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect.
It was never about me trying to make my spouse feel guilty, but it seems it
did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my
efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.
Communication, communication, communication. I needed my
partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I
need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to
talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and
our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions.
Just because something isn't spoken about, doesn't mean it's
not important. A relationship or marriage is not a competition, but for many
couples it feels like it.
When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny
ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to
overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about
it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a
friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and
offer insights and advice.
We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't
hurt so much if I didn't feel such love at the same time. But it served as a
good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that
you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the
possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the
way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.
A good lesson to learn, even for the experts'
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